Belson Back on Top: Hooli’s CEO Focusing on the Bottom Line

Gavin Belson’s brilliant leadership is unstoppable. While allegedly taking a personal hiatus from day-to-day operations at Hooli, Belson couldn’t resist brokering a blockbuster deal between Hooli and Maleant Data Systems, deploying Hooli’s innovative new Hooli/Endframe Box. The multi-year deal brings handsome margins for Hooli and can easily be a template to apply across the entire Fortune 1000. An inside source tells me that, no surprise, the board was no longer satisfied to let Belson fade into the background. Hat in hand, they begged Belson to come back to the helm.

Hooli’s Hot New Hardware

When Hooli acquired Endframe, no one could wait to see what the tech giant would do with the revolutionary, middle-out compression technology. The wait is over: In a savvy pivot, Hooli took the software and created their newest hardware: the Hooli/Endframe Box. While initially conceived as a consumer-facing platform, the Endframe technology has been repurposed to “make the world a better place through secure, high-capacity enterprise data storage servers utilizing middle-out compression technology.”

Belson Takes a Backseat: Hooli’s CEO Focusing “On Spiritual Wellness and Family”

Hooli underwent big changes today, as CEO and Chief Innovation Officer Gavin Belson announced he would be curtailing his duties at the tech conglomerate, stating he would be focusing on “spiritual wellness and family.” Via a Hooli press release, Belson continued, “The Hooli corporation is exceptionally well positioned to continue their growth as an industry leader. While a difficult personal decision, this is the right choice for me at this time. I cherish my time at Hooli and look forward to future challenges and opportunities.”

Is Erlich Bachman the Dumbest Man in Tech?

Erlich Bachman sits before me in a disheveled suit. His eyes are tired. He reeks of marijuana smoke, sweat and a hint of ramen. Bachman has invested in many startups over the years, and he finally had a winner with hot compression play Pied Piper. The scrappy startup recently released the most-talked-about beta the Valley’s had in years, and its official launch has set off a whirlwind of press and notoriety. All signs point to Pied Piper being the next Dropbox, Facebook and Uber combined. But just before this launch—after the successful beta, the moment when the company was poised to skyrocket in value—Erlich Bachman walked away.

What would cause a man to give up on his golden goose? In Bachman’s case, idiocy and personal bankruptcy. Bachman’s idiocy is well-established. Beyond investing in such non-starters as Nip Alert and Smokation (rumored to be pedophile-oriented, making both of his most well known investments not just stupid, but also perverted), Bachman’s history of selling startups dates back to his very first company: Aviato. Before Frontiers Airlines bought the company, the possibilities were endless. Now Aviato will never fly higher than Frontiers’ fleet of airbuses. All because, as Bachman tells me, “My head is so far up my ass I can see the future.” The silver lining of the Aviato sale was that it allowed Bachman to run his incubator, where tech genius Richard Hendricks founded Pied Piper. It would seem Bachman’s endless stream of dumb, perverted apps was finally at its end, but his story wasn’t over.

Bachman recently founded venture capital firm Bachmanity Capital with tech icon (soon to be legend, I’m sure) Nelson “Big Head” Bighetti, and the pair hosted a lavish launch event, aptly titled “Bachmanity Insanity.” The party, like Bachman, was loud, extravagant and a bit of a farce. It was a luau. At Alcatraz. One for which Bachman chose to pay for all liquor at retail cost, and one where he lost a giant fiberglass Tiki head at the bottom of the bay. The expenses for fire dancers, flair bartenders and exotic caterers totaled over $1 million. Bachman maintains these were “practical costs for any groundbreaking business.”

World-Changing Compression Pied Piper Platform Hits Market

While many, including this very publication, have had their doubts about Pied Piper’s viability in the saturated tech market, it turns out there’s always room for something that will truly change the world. Since their fire-hot beta was released, Pied Piper has made waves all across the valley. The compression software—with a Weissman score in the fives—is now fully realized. As if that wasn’t impressive enough, estimates indicate that with widespread use it could shrink the internet by 10 percent.

Gavin Belson’s Hooli-Scrub Scandal

In a betrayal of public trust and an obscene display of vanity, Hooli’s CEO Gavin Belson has manipulated the Hooli-Search results that appear when you search his name. An un-named Hooli insider tells us the tech CEO was “really pissed” when a Hooli-Search of “Gavin Belson” led to a less-than-favorable list of links showcasing early dissatisfaction with the Nucleus platform. And so Belson felt it was time to give Hooli-Search a “Hooli-Scrub.”

The Search is Over: Richard Hendricks Named Pied Piper CEO

After a prolonged public search (reported both here and at TechCrunch), the Pied Piper Board of Directors has reinstated founder Richard Hendricks as its CEO. Board member and managing partner Laurie Bream stated via press release that it was “an examined decision, but ultimately the correct one, once one looks at Richard Hendricks’ qualifications, talents as an engineer and his understanding of the company’s needs. We are thrilled to have Richard back in this leadership position in which we expect him to excel.”